Notes and Musings.

Soon you will be her man.

2010-10-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

I dont see how you can just sit there and look me in the eye straight faced and tell me you don't love her. You wont get back together with me because you feel you have your chance with her. you wont go on a trip with me because, oh, I forgot your saving your money to go see her. I forgot this girl is more important than someone you spent three years with who truly loved you. What do you think, shed just going to fall in love with you suddenly and your life will be perfect. You are kind of an asshole sometimes. Only sometimes, but maybe if you give the people who deserve your time, a little of it, you wont be so sad. I'll make it worth it. Anyone but her will make it worth it. How can you not see all these years all the tears the talking and the compromising that don't mean a thing now? What was I to you? oh yeah, plan b.

Have a glorious life my dear. I'll love you forever, as promised.

Take my secrets and tell the world

2010-10-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

I don't really belong here I know, but I slid under your radar and I won't even notice until tomorrow. I want to spend nights with you talking over candlelight in the most unromantic way. I want to get inside you and search for the little needles that burrowed into your heart, I want to throw them to the stars. Im a little lost for words lately as all I can do is smile when I look at you. And just the same as it has been for four years, my cheeks are sore after you leave. I try to walk out of your life, give you the space that you want, but baby, youre so electric and you keep bringing me back. No matter how many times I swear off my feelings, you always win with my reasonings. And no matter how many apologies I propose and no matter how small I feel, you give me the illusion I am so big. You make me feel I could conquer the world. Im the one who made the mistake, but I want you peek out every once in awhile and let me know you know Im waiting. Not waiting and waiting and pining for you, but waiting for forgiveness and for trust. And Ill give my lifetime to prove Im a different person. I love you still. maybe you've gotten my "I love your music" "I love your shirt" and the postit following one from 3 months ago "P.S. I love you is a bad movie" Maybe you got my hints maybe not. As long as you know you're loved.

The morning after we were together, lasted two months

2010-10-07T20:55:00.001-07:00

I hate to tell you Im bleary eyed over you. Theres a wrenching feeling taking over my body and all my room in turning into a fast motion film on pause with the only background noise of my unclear breathing. I remember when you told you you’d love me forever. You promised. I cant tell you the time or the day or the place, but it was true. And now everything you worked so hard to build in me, you’re breaking it down and I don’t have any idea why you would do this. I remember Christmas and your sweet voice on the phone only wanting to give me a good Christmas. Only wanting to be able to give a few material things for m to have as a token of your love and how much you care. Don’t you remember the pain in your voice and I didn’t care whether or not I got anything. All I wanted was to be with you always. I remember going thrift store shopping with you, later to find out you’re not too fond of it anymore. I remember unconsciously thinking I could buy your love. I could buy your liking one dollar at a time to make a nicer home for you. I remember how happy we were to finally just be able to lounge in the living room and never worry about anyone else, because looking over at your smile during the Simpsons filled my happiness for days. I remember your hugs, how theyre the best Ive ever had. I remember spending a rainy afternoon at the ICU and all I wanted was for you to know I cared for you. I care for you more than I could’ve ever thought and that is the best I can explain. I’d be there til the end with you, but you walked away and I don’t understand. I remember feeling so lucky to be a part of your weekly drives and your music shows. I remember when you sideways asked me to be with you all the time. And when I used to show up at your door, you welcomed me in, hugged me with your heart then layed me down for a nap. We wouldn’t get up until the rest of the town did and I had such a love-hate relationship with that, but I kept coming back. Don’t you remember how you wanted to be with me? Can’t you see I still feel that way. You’re everything I could ever want. On the surface I know I have some cracks to fill. I know we don’t totally mesh together like we should, or maybe like we used to. Maybe it’s just time apart and I have to swear to myself I won’t be scratching away at the miles between us. I don’t believe you ever gave me a fair chance. I know I messed up, but I don’t understand why you can’t forgive. I don’t understand why you cant remember to keep your promises? You promised you’d love me forever. You said you loved me and I took it as truth, but what am I supposed to think now? Cant you use this as an example to me? Cant you make it a lesson to me? I would never do anything to hurt you, but all this time seems wasted as you let me go.

Film

2009-03-01T01:35:00.000-08:00

When I'm at the pearly gates
This'll be on my videotape
My videotape
My videotape

Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here in
Red, blue, green
Red, blue, green

You are my center when I spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it fact to face
So I'm talking to you before
No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know
Today has been the most perfect day I have ever seen

videotape..radiohead

Happy holidays...

2008-12-29T23:49:00.000-08:00

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend.

Nostalgia isn't worth your time.

2008-11-14T01:03:00.000-08:00

Wow...
Amy Kuney does a cover of The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice. Mr. T is on an info-mercial and my eyelids are ohso heavy, despite the sleep I've had.

No words capture how much I want you to be with me at this moment. Or for the last few days. It's time to separate, yet again. I wonder who you meet, what you see, what you think. I wonder who you will replace me with and if she would see the goodness in you as I do. I wonder how you could give something so good up.

I tried to replace her name with mine, but it messed up the rhythm. I miss your shows. They have always been my favorite. Perhaps I'll sneak in the back someday.

I've gotten out there. Decided I wanted somebody new, figured out what I want, and turned away from all interested. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to decide I want a relationship. I am ready to keep going through my life, stumble across my future best friend and have the time of our life, for the rest of our lives, together. I don't want to look, it has never brought anything before. My life is full of randomness and coincidences. I have to accept them, as amazing and frustrating they can be at the same time.

I have a love-hate relationship with best friends, crossword puzzles, sleep, sickness, and my future.

Now it's just Rocky and I.

2008-10-30T23:42:00.000-07:00

We went to the market, cooked pasta, green beans and made salads. We remembered last year, by ourselves across the city, eating just beans or corn out of the can. Over all our conversation, the quietest remark sticks with me, "I don't deserve you." I can't say I disagree, sometimes you are right. But to keep it short, give me a lifetime and you'll see we were made for each other. You need to trust me, then we'll be happy, and more than content with each other.

I wanted to watch Rocky I with you, but tonight didn't work out. So, you are in your apartment, I in mine, letting life take it's course. Tomorrow I'll wake up groggy from staying watching this movie that makes me feel ohso content. And you will be up at 4am. getting ready to drive your weekly 200 miles. You are always wanted and welcome in my living room, in my kitchen, in my arms. You said I could come over anytme (I already do). But, as the world is getting colder, I might find myself unexpectedly closer to you, staying over more often, and my hands might find your pockets to warm them in. Perhaps, it's already started.

Catch up writing.

2008-10-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I stayed up late writing my second letter, of hopefully hundreds of to and froms to come. It's nice to finally have someone let you back in just enough to share day by day happenings. I'm having baked beans, peppermint mocha and sourdough toast with cottage cheese and tomato for breakfast... along with my John Mayer binge.

I'm writing you to
catch you up on places I've been
You held this letter
probably got excited, but there's nothing else inside it
didn't have a camera by my side this time
hopping I would see the world with both my eyes
maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way with words

Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche'
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world through both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way
but let me say

You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
Just no more 3x5's
Guess you had to be there
Guess you had to be with me

Today I finally overcame
tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to
lose my way but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
No more 3x5's, just no more 3x5's

john.mayer..3x5

Fire Week

2008-10-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

If we could have a week commemoration of the 2007 Fire Week, I think that would be most appropriate. Firstly, because it was a disaster, and secondly, because it would be nice to have a break from everything again, but without people losing homes, etc.

As for me and my friends, it was a week of no school, little work and spending time together. We tie-dyed, baked, made dinner foods, made lemonade, coloured and had fun in spit of the heat and stuffiness of the small apartment. By this point I had been staying there for about a week and had intentions of leaving soon. Little did I know, it was two more months, and only because Christmas break was "mandatory evacuation."

As was also unforeseen, the start of weekly late night trips to Mira Mesa. Fire Week was the second trip and the first time I fell in love. Rash, you say? Not so much. Stayed in bed, played music, and finally decided to eat. Denny's had a 45 minute wait -- ridiculous! So we had burritos, went home, watched an episode of The Office and spent the afternoon pleasantly squandering time.

Now, since the chill of Tuesday night, I'm looking forward to winter again. The season to stay in, play in rain, bake and catch up. Last night Bekah and I got a french baguette, Camembert cheese, and Winter Lagar. We caught up on the last few days of our lives (not the show, aye...), The Office, and found ridiculous games and such online which kept us up to one a.m. and killed us this morning. It's never a bad thing though :)

I feel if I start anything, it will be left hanging, so, I'll fall asleep soon enough.

1208

2008-10-18T00:08:00.000-07:00

Going through days in my own body and only my own thoughts to converse with. I think about how it’s going to be when there is another person by my side, everyday. One who thinks I am the highlight of his day. One who agrees once we leave the front door it is like a maze, until the return home and it’s the end, the goal, the prize.
There is constant high pitched arguing on a phone in another room. I hate the way apartment walls cause echoes that hang on my ears with such a bitter after taste. Reminds me of months ago. Now you’re gone, I try to leave you behind, but you’re everywhere. Today our wires crossed in an all too familiar way. I hate the disdain we’ve grown for each other, just to keep ourselves afloat.
I want to be distracted. The fan blows the corners of sheet music up, oscillates and cools my forehead, then repeats.

When you can't get up to the cold morning light
But you don't get to sleep in [still dreaming]

And everybody only wants to fight
You're up against never being right

When the worries of the world hold your feet
And there's little left to believe in

Today is going to be a better one
There's nothing more to take in
That's going wrong

Old pale memories of someone you knew
Keep crawling through the back of your mind [stealing time]

In the daylight you're crossing all your wires
You never knew just how to put out a fire

The closet's been shaking with bones
Little reminders that you're out on your own

Today is going to be a better one
There's nothing more to take in
That's going wrong

Today keep your head and drop the gun
There's nothing more to battle when you're gone

Walk on

today.will.be.better.i.swear..stars

A gradual descent into a life you never meant.

2008-10-17T02:30:00.000-07:00

I’m so tired of being deceived by you. You say and you want me to think you care about me. But I can see through you. You may care about me, the way you feel bad about hurting someone. Thank you for being a person of high ethics and care for the general population, but it’s the wrong way to treat me. You may say you’ll miss me, but it is mainly because you miss getting a kiss or a hand job or whatever ,whenever you want. You tell me you’re honest with me, but you don’t have reason for what you do. You seem to be annoyed when I ask for anything, but I do what you want when you want without complaint. Why? Because I like spending time with you, I like seeing you happy, I care about you, I am grateful for who you are.

In that same respect is what my kisses are for. It saddens me you do not know why you kiss me. There are two reasons you’ve given: I am good at it, and you like to. Wow, welcome to high school. Last time I checked, that was well over with. It’s time to move on, grow up, and stop doing things for the sake of doing things. I refuse to continue in that manner. When did you lose your self-respect? Someday you’ll kiss someone you truly care about, who you honestly love, and you’ll have a laundry list of meaningful reasons why you kiss that person. I don’t want to be the girl who comes before.

You aren’t going to last long like this. Sure, it makes you happy now. We are at two very different levels. In reality, I no better than you and you no better than I. But because we are human, I know we both don’t agree with the previous statement. You want to feel free, you want to do whatever you want whenever you want and you want it all to be convenient. Don’t generalize what I say to say everyone wants that,. Humankind is greedy and selfish, and this does include both of us, so take responsibility for your actions. I already did mine.

As a quote from a favorite song would say “I was playin’ for fun, while you were playin’ for keeps.” Yes, I was in this for keeps. I was serious about what we could have become. I was willing to better myself. You merely went along with me. Since everything didn’t go as perfectly planned, you stepped back, backed out, hid yourself. That is why I believe you did not want to try. Shame on me for letting you get into a relationship with me so easily, and shame on you for taking it so lightly.

If that is any indication of how your life would be, no, I would not want any part of it. I can see glimpses of who you could become, someday, only if you really want. I can see smatterings of determination, romanticism, pure honesty, and trustworthiness. And you wonder why I expect so much more from you? I only expect it because I’ve seen it, to a degree. I believe there are parts of your life that you could strengthen, but you choose to stay the same, out of convenience. If you find an amazing girl who doesn’t see these things in you, drop her like a bad habit. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t know you are.

When I say I do whatever feels right and whatever I want, I do. I do it with heart, with consideration and with respect. I do not regret anything I’ve done with you. I do not regret all I’ve put into you, and the being of what you and I were. I do not do things or hold back from doing anything because it may hurt. I yearn for the other person’s thoughts, opinions, desires because I value their soul. I do not do this because I rely on another for who I am, get that straight.

I do regret to say this was rather late-coming. This compilation of words, that is, not everything I’ve thought. The more time I spend with you, the more I realize how unhealthily attached you are to this relationship. How if I stopped doing physical things with you, our friendship would slowly disappear like it was trend of the mid 2000’s. But we were never trend followers, so I have to say, the slow fade of love has begun.

A couple minutes on last year.

2008-10-14T23:50:00.000-07:00

One year ago, Tuesday October 16th, 2007. The day or date, you choose… they once collided with me and a person who still makes my stomach turn.

It’s a secret I hide well, and I forgot, almost. To anyone who slept over at a friend’s and was reminded for three weeks when she raised her arms to pull back straggly hair and looked in the mirror at four marked bruises behind the arm Anyone who doesn’t really remember and feels guilty. Here’s to you and to hoping we get through another year, never give up on what we‘ve started, and love until we have nothing left.

It’s been a year since I started working for this arts and crafts store. As much of a low income job it is, I feel if I quit I may regress to where I might have been if this job did not distract me from the shock of it all. I fear I may bring up pain and hopelessness I never knew I possessed. I fear I would be quitting a new life I thought I built after it all happened.

It’s safe to say I fell “in like” a year ago. It happened on a Tuesday night. Wednesday I was in a flurry, a whirlwind, the most humid day in Los Angeles, I believe. That night I spilt to my closest friend. The next night last summer’s crush let me stay with him. It is amazing how, when a person goes through such a horrible, life changing experience, the people around become so closely attached. Like a rescuer, though they could not have prevented it, but you would not be where you are today without them.

I fell in like. Was (and am) incredibly grateful for his friendship and presence, later to became a bit too attached, and disguising itself as love. By the end of winter I grew out of the attachment, the love became pure and I had more of a future in view. By the end of spring it grew into something I would give my life for, but that is a subject for another day.

Today, I wish those people knew what they meant to me. Some too far away, and some, a little drunk I tell them anyway with my embraces and cheek kisses. And we exchange words, and smiles, but I feel I can’t give enough.

Leveled out.

2008-10-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

Looking through pictures of you and you and you there are things I thought would never change. Things I hoped would never change. There is a little second floor apartment by the beach I thought I found myself at. And surely, less than a year later, there is no proof of us, and no proof of the identities who made them selves known in the doorways, by smiles and fists into mirrors.
I etched the bedroom into memory. The posters, the TV, the still looking bearded dragon, and the way the light merely brushed the wall on its way in the next morning with only the quiet whoosh, whoosh of cars. I close my eyes and I can hear me calling for you over the busyness. I see your face, glowing from the yellowed iridescent kitchen. I feel the warmth of your skin and your hot breath on my forehead as you tuck me in and pacify me with VHSs and your arm paralleling the side of my thin body.
And you, your forehead kisses and Radiohead serenades made me fall in love with this scene. The rush of happiness, security when G-B-C…starts and your side glances catch me while I sit alone, staring from the sofa chair.
Then, months later, you rescued me. Not from the way I was drowning, not from anything, but only you and I could see, really. Because when I, like the old town drunk, made a fool of myself in the bathroom, you lied there with me until it passed. I shared stories I didn’t mean to, I think you did too. As it turns out, we really did mean to, and you remind me of it every time you greet me with a shy smile. You were happy to stay with me until we found our selves resting side by side on the same futon in the bedroom. Resting until I convinced you to fall in love with me, until I convinced you I was able to drive. And there I went, across country in a shack like plane, and returned, repeating “Sea of Love” like it was our anthem.
Now, it turns out, I was never really that person. Oh, how I loved to swing and sing and smoke ‘til I was dry again, but sometimes that’s not all one can live for. Sure, I enjoy them at times, less intensified. Though I can honestly say I miss it, I‘m done with it. Lately, it looks like change is blowing my winds of uncertainty. Lately, I live for change; all things, new things, like today is the first day of my life.